Come on Jessica, pull yourself together....

Today I had my first official TTC breakdown.  Yes I have shed a few tears here and there along this journey, but today was a full-on disaster -- as in I almost went to my aunt and begged her for a Zanax.  I will just say this -- I do not want to be told to 'relax', 'give it time', 'it will happen when it is meant to happen', 'stop trying so hard'.  I do not want to be told 'put your legs up in the air', or 'have sex on cycle day 14'.  This is all worthless advice that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.  I know people mean well, they really do, and I tried not to let it bother me but now it just hurts a little more every time.  I have never wanted something so much IN MY LIFE.

To add to the stress, I have work stress, school stress, money stress, you name it I have it!  I am really ready for an emotional break.  My mind is racing and I just want a break.

BUT I may or may not have bought a new Coach bag this weekend, so that was a highlight :)  Or it could have something to do with my money stress!  But I just see it as a good investment -- after all, I do use it every day!

Aside from the breakdown today, I did have an awesome weekend.  We went down to Charlotte on Saturday.  The boys went to the Nationwide race while the girls did some retail therapy at Concord Mills (where I may or may not have acquired the Coach bag).  Then we went to the dirt track race that night which is always entertaining!  Sunday we tailgated all day and I discovered the most delicious drink probably in the entire universe -- Jeremiah Weed Sweet Tea Vodka (OMG delicious)!!!  I guess that is the silver lining of still NOT being pregnant -- although I would trade that in a hot minute if I could.  The race was pretty disappointing -- we went to Charlotte two weekends in a row to watch freakin' Kurt Busch win both times.  My man Tony Stewart had a pretty uneventful night.  Actually what kept me entertained most of the night was the guy sitting next to me.  He was clearly there with his girlfriend, who was pretty adorable BTW.  But he was getting a booty call from some girl named Mary all night.  Yes I was nosy and was reading his texts!  It was DISGUSTING. 

And tomorrow is Tuesday and I get to go back to work (YAY!).  And summer school (aka Hell) starts tomorrow.  It is going to be a long and busy summer!

We made it!!!

I wanted to post this last weekend, but we have just been so busy and I haven't been able to find the time!  Last weekend was very big for me and Dave -- we made it through our first year of marriage and celebrated our anniversary!  In honor of our anniversary, I wanted to post some pics from our wedding... 

Me and my daddy :)


Seriously cute kiddos!


The kiss!


We had a very unusual anniversary weekend, but despite everything we had a great weekend.  Saturday we went to a wedding at The Farm (where we got married).  Basically, we went to our own wedding -- at least it felt like it!  It was a Bluegrass and BBQ wedding reception, which was what ours was -- it was surreal.

Then on Sunday, sadly, we had to attend Kyle's funeral.  It was a rough day for everyone and it just didn't seem right.  Seeing a life being taken so quickly like that makes me so thankful for what I have -- I could not imagine living without my husband here with me.  But on a happier note, we did go out for dinner and then we came home and ate a few bites of the top tier of our wedding cake -- yes our wedding cake from A YEAR AGO!  It was pretty disgusting if you wanna know the truth!

The wedding cake on our wedding day!


The top tier of our wedding cake a year later!

Delicious....

Well it has been an emotional evening.  Dave called me at work to let me know that he was going over to the hospital to see his friend Kyle.  Apparently Kyle hit his head (not sure of all those details), went to bed with a headache, and never woke back up.  He was sent to Mission and not given very much hope.  I just read on Facebook that he passed away -- my husband doesn't even know yet.  He just texted me saying that there was no change and that he was on his way home.  He doesn't know, but Facebook knows.  That doesn't seem right to me.

So now I am just waiting on him to get here so I can tell him before he reads it on Facebook.  My heart is broken for Kyle's family -- they are such good people.  And, more selfishly, my heart is broken for my husband.  I can't stand to see him hurting and I can't imagine what it is like to lose a friend.  I have lost plenty of family members, but never a friend.  Somehow I just don't think it is quite the same.

As soon as Dave gets home, I plan on giving him a giant hug and a kiss and telling him how much I love him.  Life happens in a flash and you never know what the next minute holds.  We never know when our time will run out.  I am SO thankful that the Lord has blessed me with another day here with my family and friends.

Rest in Peace, Kyle.

Happy Mother's Day!

Yes I just posted, but I couldn't let the day go by without recognizing my fabulous mom!  So here are a few reasons why I am thankful for my mom:

• She gave birth to me!  Thanks Mom!
• She is always behind me 100%.
• She has shown me (with my dad's help of course) what a loving and committed relationship looks like.
• She is selfless and always puts others first.  I admire that.
• She always keeps an open mind and heart.
• She worked hard to make sure that my sisters and I always had what we needed, even when her and my dad were dirt poor and were barely scraping by.
• Her house is always full of love no matter the day or what is going on in the world.
• She has SUCH a kind heart.
• She is becoming my best friend.

Well there are just so many more reasons why I love my mom, but this is a good starting place :)

New directions.....

Since today is Mother's Day I think it is fitting to change the direction of my blog.  So here goes.....

My name is Jessica, my husband is Dave.  We have been together for 5 years now, married for 1 (next week!).  I have wanted to be a mom ever since I can remember.  I love watching D interact with kids -- he is SO good with them.  I have always had a soft spot for daddies and their babies :)  Watching him makes me want to be a mom more than just about anything in the world.  I spent all of my college years worrying about getting pregnant, spending tons of cash on birth control, stressing about the "what-ifs".  Little did I know......getting pregnant is actually a lot harder than I ever imagined!  No one told me that!

Fast forward to December 2009 -- we tossed the birth control finally and just had to wait the longest two weeks EVER until my insurance kicked in January 1st.  The first month was pretty laid back.  We just decided to have fun and see what happened.  Well, nothing happened.  How naive was I to think that it would actually happen on the first try?!  I read everything I could get my hands on that had anything to do with getting pregnant.  I learned TONS of things that you NEVER learn in health class.  I basically dived in to hardcore TTC -- OPKs, temping, charting BBT, green tea drinking, pom juice chugging, pineapple core eating and all the madness of trying to get pregnant!

We have now been at it for 5 cycles (in the middle of our fifth), and no baby yet.  I know in the grand scheme of things this is not a very long time, but it is frustrating nonetheless.  I have had lots of days full of hope and some have been totally hopeless.  I can go from one extreme to the other in a split second. 

And today is Mother's Day -- something that I desperately want to experience.  Needless to say I have been emotional all day long.  My sister showed me the CUTEST outfit that she bought for baby Levi (who will be here next month!) today and I almost got teary-eyed.  The most extreme feeling of WANT came over me and I had to shove the clothes back in the bag before I lost it.  How pathetic is that? 

Anyway, I have been debating for a while whether or not I wanted to start blogging about this, but I really need an outlet.  My husband is great, but I feel like he gets tired of hearing it all the time.  And I don't know anyone that understands all the measures I am taking to get pregnant (temping, charting, etc.).  Heck I didn't even know it all existed until I started on this crazy, emotional journey!  But I feel like this is going to be a good outlet for me, even if no one reads it.  I am not quite ready to talk about it all in real life yet, so this will have to suffice for now!

I have neglected my blog.  Sad.  I am not normally the type to keep a blog anyway.  I guess the excitement of it comes and goes.  But I did want to post some pics for all of the interwebz to see.  I threw my sister a baby shower last weekend and I have to show off some of the decorations :)



The diaper cake I made :)  I found the little jungle animals at Michael's and they were perfect since she wanted a jungle theme.  I also made the blocks and painted them to say "We Love You" on top, and "Levi James" on the front.  So altogether it said "We Love You Levi James".  You can't really see all the letters though because the scrapbook (my first attempt at scrapbooking!) is in the way.



Then for the table centerpieces I made diaper cupcakes!  I also set out baby pictures of the proud parents-to-be!

It was a good day!  I can't wait for someone to throw ME a baby shower!